I hope that everyone is staying cool in this heat but still finding time to enjoying the outdoors. When I agreed to do this blog, (with a gentle push from all my friends) I wasn’t sure how I would be at this and I knew that some topics may get personal, as this one today will be. For those of you who saw my post on Monday where I said #divorceishard, you’ll see where this one is going…
As I’m sitting here missing my girls, I received a lot of instant messages, texts and phone calls from many followers who were actually shocked to learn that I was a single mom. I guess I never really thought about it much but I really don’t focus on that part of my life in any of my talks and guess that I assumed that people knew that about me. With those messages came a lot of questions and I am going to try to address them the best way I know how and that is from the heart.
Yes, divorce sucks. Yes, I am still single – but that is my choice – and as my daughter, Lily, so eloquently puts it “mom you’re simply hot in every way, but you’re just scared of commitment because of Grace.” Well, I can’t lie. It is by choice. I don’t consider myself hot in anyway and yes, I am scared of commitment, but not because of Grace but for Grace (if that makes sense).
Life as a single mom is hard when you have typical kids, but when you add in the special needs component, it can become even harder emotionally, financially and even legally because everything changes if we are not on the same page with our children’s medical care and therapy. I am going to respond personally to each of you that reached out to me because that’s just me but I will address “divorce and being single” as whole. It sucks, but again, it is life. Divorce is never easy but the one thing that keeps my mind from going crazy is that I remember that my children are a result of my marriage and they are his daughters just as much as mine. I didn’t want my divorce, it was not a “nice” divorce and the end result is the same for all of us – our children grow up without their parents in the same house. Do I regret that? Yes. But can I control it? No. I can only control how I conduct myself as a mother to our children and I strive to be the best role model for my daughters. If we waste our energy on things we can’t change, we don’t have the energy we need to change the things we can. I cried for a long time but I finally came to the realization that I am still a mom, I am still their biggest fan, their biggest cheerleader. I am the one they turn to when they are hurt and that will never change. The only thing that changed is that I am no longer their father’s wife. Once I was able to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment, I was able to focus on the true loves of my life – Lily and Grace.
I focus now on a future and not a past that I hoped would be different. So if you are happily married, keep doing what you are doing. If you are having trouble maybe going to a counselor would be a good thing or talking to other parents in your situation. Just try to remember that we are all different in the way we react to our child’s needs. Men and women think differently in general, so when you add a child with medical needs it really goes “cray-cray” because men are fixers and women are caretakers. There is a huge difference.
If you are newly divorced, I can tell you that it does get better. It is definitely different, but it can be better. Just remember that your children belong to both of you and I am very cautious of that when I am in front of my daughters. Sometimes that is easier said than done for those of you who have had a horrible divorce and when one of you can’t even be in the same room with the other. Make sure you have someone with you if you have to hand them off and then have a bottle of your favorite drink waiting for you!
I will leave you with this… This week is always bitter sweet for me because my girls are off with their father having a blast – they are sailing and vacationing – the way I wish I could with them, but I can’t because all my extra money is put into therapies, schools, supplements, doctor fees, blood work, etc. and I am just a single income mom. I know many of you can relate to that, but all that bitterness actually went away today when I received a picture from my daughter, Lily, showing the smiles that I so love to see. That’s when I remembered that my love is deeper than any “once a year vacation” and that my love is enough for them and for me. What kind of mom would I really be if I was wishing that they were having a bad time? Remember that divorce is between you and your children’s father – it is not between you, him and them. If you remember that, it can help you find peace in all the lost dreams. Don’t be afraid to have a wonderful life – it is too short for wasted energy. Live today for today and live your life for you and those you love, not for those who used too love you.
The best is yet come.
Shannon
Thank you Shannon for your sharing. I to have been thru divorce twice because of infidelity on their part. And it is easier said than done to be nice. A lot of anger and hurt. But after many yrs later I see where I hurt my three children by taking and saying things in front of them. Now thru lots of prayer and basically time I can talk to them without being so angry. But the hurt is always on the surface. But I have learned to control it. I pray for you and your kids. I pray you do find someone to share your future with. If that someone loves you they will love your kids❤️
Annie, I was also very touched by Shannon, but when I read your reply…I too was touched by your story. I know you didn’t offer much insite but what you did, I can relate to. I have only been divorced once and he cheated on me. When our youngest of 3 kids was 7mon old he walked out and took EVERYTHING with him. He left at Christmas time N took every penny right along with him so of course there was a ton of anger…but I have prayed a lot and now we are able (almost 7yrs later) to talk about the kids, laugh and joke, speak to one another on an adult level. He will sometimes make it hard, but I fight past his remarks and cry baby moments and remember that one day my kids will remember this. I mean let’s face it…he is the one who can’t be loyal to one person…the way he cheated and left, the girl he left for, did the exact same thing to him…and I actually feel a tad bit bad for the guy…okay maybe I’m kidding a bit, but it’s hard not to laugh about it bc he’s still lying, causing trouble with child support etc. I can relate to Shannon about the no extra money bc I’m also dealing with it and then there he sits with money and not helping to pay for the kids schooling, sports, medical etc…but he also doesn’t take time to visit or talk to them either…I tried to push him and realized I can’t make him be something he obviously is NOT cut out for. My children will love me even if I can’t afford the best of the best…they will love me bc of the time and memories we have together.